Getting Louder with Steven Crowder: Totally Rad 80's!

Sure there were yuppies on coke, women's jeans made their posteriors look like pancakes, the hair was terrible and you were lucky if your car made it past 80,000 miles... But the 80's (and for the purposes of this text, the early 90's) may possibly, have been the best decade ever.
I am aware that, with this being a political blog, I should probably write up a lengthy praise paper about Regan. Though he of course DID add to the awesomeness of the 80's, along with the “Reagan Revolution”, that is neither here nor there.

I'd rather talk about Saturday morning cartoons. Remember those? Yeah, those little moving pictures, filled with action, heroes, talking animals and seizure inducing colors.... Or maybe you don't?

The reason for this, is that Saturday morning cartoons were MURDERED in the mid 90's. All of a sudden, regulations arose, pushing educational programming, political correctness and a whole slew of other childhood-snuffing garbage.

We went from "Battlebeasts, GI Joes, Transformers, Ghostbusters and Ninja Turtles" to things like "Blues Clues, or Dora the Explorer." You'll find that the most violent, mainstream cartoon nowadays, focuses on an elaborate card came (yes, I'm talking about Yu-Gi-Oh).



The commercials during those old cartoons were even better! Accurate-to-scale replica squirt guns! Guns that shot dissapearing ink! Nerf Swords! None of us really needed a "Madball". But we all had one or wanted one. Who can forget “Creepy Crawlers”? The commercial, convinced kids that we could create disgusting, lifelike bugs in our “easy-bake oven of horrors”, and told us to go put them on our parent’s beds! How awesome is that?!

Cartoons and commercials were flashy, dramatic and violent… Just the way a child likes them. Nowadays they have to be responsible, tame and “safe”. We are raising a generation of sissies. As a kid, I would rather have walked around looking like “Massive Head-wound Harry” than be caught dead wearing a helmet… Nowadays, kids don’t even question it… Because it’s the “sensible” thing to do. Isn’t that ridiculous? Who ever heard of a child being SENSIBLE?!

I’m going on the record saying that kids should be COMPLETELY insensible! They should climb trees, get their arms broken, skateboard in ditches, eat “fun dip” and wear high tops… Not obey helmet laws, traffic laws and play where their parents can see them, in an environment that is fun and safe for all.

Let me walk you through a day of my summer vacation as a child.
- Wake up. Eat Frosted Flakes
- Watch TV
- Go to Public Pool
- Proceed to run around pool
- Make way to diving board
- Jump up and down several times at the tip, of said diving board
- Perform Summersault, followed by belly-flop off of diving board
- Repeat
- Notice cute lifeguard
- Perform Cannonball, in the general direction, of aforementioned lifeguard
- Repeat
- After receiving three “warnings”, I’d be kicked out of pool for the day
- Bike home (without a helmet, or shoes.)
- At some point my feet would slip off the pedals due to lack of traction
- Rack my balls on my bike’s crossbar
- Continue home at a more gingerly pace
- Eat Ball Park Frank hot dogs
- Play the Super NES until my eyes hurt
- Go to sleep

Nowadays that list would look more like this.
- Wake up
- Eat healthy, balanced breakfast
- Read
- Watch educational programming
- Play Sudoku
- Engage in forms sissy-like behaviour, and other such faggotry
- End day

How lame is that?! Bottomline, Boys need more “Biker Mice from Mars”, and less “Pokemon.” They need more “Doctor Dreadful” and less “Healthy choice Happy Meals”. They need more “Double Dragon” and less “Brain Age”.

Kids need to be able to be kids! We’ve all seen what happens when a boy doesn’t have a proper childhood (Michael Jackson anyone?), so let’s let kids have theirs.

“The Childhood” needs to make a comeback… Who wants to help lead the revolution?*Getting Louder with Steven Crowder is a weekly segment on Steinberg For Congress (When he remembers to post that is!)