Children Ripe to Take Over the World

Third graders these days seem to be spending their time working to hatch an elaborate plot to knock out, handcuff and stab their teacher. While experts said, "children that age are certainly imaginative and capable of creating elaborate games... most premeditated acts of student violence in schools usually don't occur until high school." Despite this, the DA is seeking charges of conspiracy to commit aggravated assault against three of the 3rd graders. Meanwhile in Texas the children would have just been given a "whoopin" and in California the children's parents would now be in jail.

In other murderous news, Al-Qaida No. 2 Ayman al-Zawahri, released a 90 minute audio response to the 900+ questions submitted on extremist Internet sites by al-Qaida supporters, critics and journalists. In response to the question: "Excuse me, Mr. Zawahri, but who is it who is killing with Your Excellency's blessing the innocents in Baghdad, Morocco and Algeria?" al-Zawahri said, "If there is any innocent who was killed in the mujahedeen's operations, then it was either an unintentional error or out of necessity... the enemy intentionally takes up positions in the midst of the Muslims for them to be human shields for him." When asked who would continue the fight against the United States in the future, al-Zawahri discussed his plans for a children's brigade.

Your Government at Work

It took an 11 year old boy to point out what no one else seemed to notice at the Smithsonian Institution's National Museum of Natural History since 1981. The museum's Tower of Time, a display involving prehistoric time identified the Precambrian as an era... but it's not. Smithsonian officials said, "While no previous visitors to the museum had brought up the error, it has long rankled the paleobiology department's staff, who noticed it even before the Tower of Time was erected 27 years ago." One might wonder why this error happened if they knew about it BEFORE the Tower of Time was erected? But then again, they also managed to spell the kid's name wrong on the letter they sent him regarding the issue.

Meanwhile, down the street at our nation's capitol, there is an argument over exterior lighting. The plan was to update the 38 exterior lights that have been in place for almost 20 years and cost tax payers nearly $15,000 a year in electricity in order to "go green." However, the contract to replace them is valued at $671,900. For those of you who aren't too good at math... you could keep the old lights for 45 years and it would be cheaper than replacing them. We won't discus how much money could be saved each year if we got rid of the Christmas Tree.

Science in Our Lives

A new study shows that it doesn't take long to satisfy a woman in bed contradicting previously held beliefs that endurance matters. "The optimal amount of time for sexual intercourse was 3 to 13 minutes, but the time does not count foreplay, and the therapists did rate sexual intercourse that lasts from 1 to 2 minutes as ``too short.'' This only goes to prove that most people's sex lives are not as interesting as we previously believed.